I have learned many things this past year, about myself, about the grieving process, about faith, about hope, and about healing.  When it comes to dealing with grief, I have learned that you have to let yourself live it.  You cannot run from it.  You cannot hide from it.  You cannot dismiss it as simply a bad day.  You cannot tuck it away in your pocket to deal with later.  You cannot pretend you are ok.

You have to let yourself feel every emotion, every heartache, every sadness, every bit of anger, every sense of drowning, every loss of breath, every longing to see him again.

You have to deal.  You have to process.  You have to cry every tear that wants to fall.

You have to face things you do not want to face.  John William’s first birthday without him.  His first birthday in heaven.  The first Grandparent’s day without him.  The first Thanksgiving without him.  The first Christmas without him.  The first New Year’s without him.  The first Wedding anniversary without him.  The first Valentine’s Day without him.  The first Easter without him.  The first summer vacation without him.  Your own birthday without him.  Mom’s first birthday without him.

And now, today, the first anniversary of his death.  How has it already been a year?  An ENTIRE YEAR without him?

Together, we bravely faced all of those firsts and we made it.  With each other, all of you, and most importantly, our faith.  We have kept moving forward and will continue to do so.

Thank you, dear friends, for walking with me through this past year.  For allowing me to bare my soul in order to heal my brokenness.

It is crazy that my darkest year made me the strongest I have ever been.  Like the lilac, that only blossoms after a harsh winter.

As always, John William has shown us the simplest way to carry on…to remember him every day with love, laughter and fun.

I miss him every second of every day.  But only his physical presence.  As I can still feel his love, I can still hear his wisdom, and I can still see the pathway he has laid before me.